the cruelest thing
When I first met him, and I had to get back on my bus and head home without him - never knowing if I'd see him again - this other half of me, I thought surely, this must be the cruelest thing the fates could offer - to love someone from so far away.
But then, just a few years after we had begun to build a life together - a real life - he was diagnosed with sarcoma and I was faced with the prospect of losing him forever - then I knew, "No, this is surely the cruelest twist of fate."
And when it wasn't just a leg, but his brain, his whole being, everything he is, that was compromised with glioblastoma, then I was absolutely certain. When I watched his memories fade, and felt his left hand no longer able to hold mine, certainly, certainly THIS was the cruelest thing the fates could dish out.
But no.
The cruelest thing is that he is aware of events. He is aware of people. But when he is confused he forgets which things have happened to which people. When he is confused he doesn't remember which dog Nika took to the fair, or which friend he spoke to on the phone. So he knows.
He knows someone is dying.
But he thinks it is me.
Every night he is afraid that I am dying. He is devastated, terrified, hopeless. And the only way to bring him any comfort at all is to remind him that it's not me.
This is the cruelest thing.
Comments
...a gentle, excruciating reminder to embrace our loves and not take moments for granted. Thank you for opening up your heart and telling the story. Nobody should have to go through what you are, your husband is, what are your children are, what your friends are. Hundred percent seems more than a human should have to experience. Profoundly cruel. Please take time to take care of you, even for just a moment or two. Sending peace, love, and a big hug your way.
Raelene
Maybe you should say, "No, honey, it's Rush Limbaugh who's dying" and then you could both go back to sleep. (Or insert name of somebody else he doesn't like.)
Beth from Barnes and Noble way back when.