new year

I have never existed in a year that Rico did not. My whole life has been full of him, even when I didn't realize it yet.

I woke up this morning at 8. I have no idea what time we really woke up 14 years ago, but 8 seemed like a good guess. I put on my red dress, and climbed into the car - just me, just Rico, just like it was that day.

I drove to Casey Key with him in the passenger's seat - completely opposite from how it was then. I pulled into the lot for Nokomis Beach, but I couldn't get out of the car right away, because this was it. This was goodbye.

We held a service for him back in October - but that wasn't goodbye. That was thank you to all of you who held us through it; that was celebrating how you knew him; that was coming together; that was the party he wanted. This - this would be different.

I was as prepared as I could be. Someone had texted me two days before. Someone who had no idea where I was or why. She said, "I know this is weird but did you and Rico have a song?"

We had a few, so I told her.

She said, "I had one of those super realistic dreams where Rico was telling me to tell you to play your song when you did it."

"Did what? Oh," I said, "We are going to scatter some ashes this weekend."

"Let me guess - on the beach."

"Yeah, on a beach."

So I brought my earphones; my backpack; the rock he asked us to bring; and a bottle full of what used to be my favorite hand to hold, my favorite laugh to hear, my favorite heart to dream with - a piece of my world in that little bottle.

I stepped onto the beach and there was a shark's tooth - just one - bigger than the last. One for me, one for them. I walked for what felt like forever. My hand was open so he could hold it, tears burning rivers on my face. I was talking to him like I always do. An overdressed tourist in love with a ghost. The two of us walking barefoot just like we used to, but only one set of footprints.

I asked him where he wanted his rock to be. He told me, so I set it down, and poured out a piece of my soul, then covered it in my tears, so he'd never be alone. I stood next to him holding hands, watching the waves and listening to that song.

Open up your mind and see like me. Open up your plans and damn you're free.

Look into your heart and you'll find love, love love love. 

Listen to the music of the moment, people dance and sing.

We're just one big family, and it's our god-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved.

So I won't hesitate, no more, no more. It cannot wait, I'm sure. There's no need to complicate, 

Our time is short.

This is our fate.

I'm yours.

I told him goodbye, that I was going to get our kids and bring them back, so they could have their own time with him in an ocean he'd carried each of them through. I walked away, from that rock, but I didn't leave him there. His hand stayed in mine. I climbed into the car and found a voice mail from him. One from the hospital:

"My sweet baby, you are the most beautiful thing thats ever happened in my life. All I want is to be on that beach, with you and hold each other through the morning. All I want is for you to hold me until it's over, and I will always do the same for you, because we deserve that. Goodnight my love."

He said we would always be riding together, that I left a piece of him on that beach, just like I left a piece of myself there, but that he was always with us. 

When I recovered, I drove back to pick the kids up from the hotel. They each had their own little jar to set free with their thoughts and love and memories. I won't pretend to guess what was in their hearts. Those moments are not mine to share. They are sacred, they defy words. They stepped away from each other and each let him go in their own way.

I stood alone and  carved our names into the sand, but just like life, the world washed it away. 

Nika took a picture of me on the beach - just me, facing the whole ocean alone. I don't like how it looks, how it feels, but it's how it is. The world around me is still beautiful - he helped me see it - so do all of you. Despite it all, we have lived the most beautiful adventure - we really are so lucky to have known such love and to have so many wonderful people to share it with.