more than i thought

It's weird being treated like a sick person - especially when I don't feel sick.

I do feel tired, and I do have some limitations. I did end up in the ER last week being shot full of fentanyl and ketamine until they finally just lowered my blood pressure and sent me home. I am technically registered to use medical cannabis now. I have 4 new tattoos - they're only visible under black light, so you'll only see them if you're a radiologist or we're at a rave, but I'm officially the most tatted-up person in my family. I went from needing zero medications to desperately needing five (and counting). I'm set up for 15 prototon beam therapies and a new AI med that will hopefully stop any new cancer, allow me to get that heart surgery done, and possibly grow me a kick-ass Duck-Dynasty beard.

To be fair - my life has changed a bit, but I still feel like the same me.

Mostly.

There are some things that feel different - relationships change. Some grow stronger, some more tentative. You start to recognize expressions in people's faces, body language, the tone of their voice. You start to read where the conversation is going and wonder if you'll be able to speak freely. Some things are more stressful, some are easier, but there is always the undercurrent - and it affects everything.

One thing that feels right is teaching. When I can choreograph at the middle school I'm on it - because those kids don't know or care about my health - they'll skibidy-rizz me right outta that room without a second thought. 

When I can go to dance, I do - because those kids just wanna stretch and make art and share the best parts of their week with each other and the whole room feels like love. 

When I can write, I do that too - I'm not sure why, but it it feels like emptying my soul and making space for new things.

Sometimes though I just sit and think about how much can change in a four months. It's a lot. More than I imagined.