Tuesday, February 5, 2013

baby news

We're expecting another baby.

Hard to believe since we've got a toddler in the house.  Even harder to believe since the baby isn't ours - but Punk's.

Desperately hard to believe considering he's 13 and never even been on a date.

Regardless, his baby will be arriving any day - and thankfully, returning to the school's storage closet the next day.

Yep, it's electronic baby season at the local middle school, and while I am glad Punk has the opportunity to participate in this project, I am not so thrilled at the prospect of his fake baby waking up my real one at 2am.

Unlike the real world, before Punk can bring this kid home, he has to prove that he has a modicum of parenting skills.  (I'll skip bragging about how he gave his baby sister the heimlich maneuver last month, and how his puppet show voices are Grammy material).  The kid had to prove his worth by filling out some basic financial info related to child rearing.

He spent the better part of last night online shopping for procedures (he chose c-section because and I quote, "nobody in their right mind would choose to have it come out the other way"), gear (it's hard to find a stroller with an attached mini-fridge), food and clothing.

I've mentioned his life saving skills haven't I?
I've also brought up the puppet shows right?
I'll even throw in the killer lego sculptures.
But the budgeting?

I
was
appalled.

I was looking over his shoulder (like you wouldn't).  I tried to keep my mouth shut - I really did.

But I couldn't.

"Dude - are you buying EVERYTHING from Babies R Us?"
"Yep."
"You do know, that it's the most expensive place to buy things right?"
"Nope - but that's OK."
(sound of me drumming fingernails on kitchen table)

"Are you even buying your food there?"
"Yep."
"You know - you can get all of this stuff at Walmart, or Target - or better yet Craigslist."
"That's a lot of work."
"Maybe, but it's SO much cheaper.  You should check it out."
"No thanks.  I mean, that's good advice for the real world, but this is just an assignment."
(sound of me biting my thumbnail off)

Him: "It says I need to buy overalls.  I can't even find any - and they are totally out of style."
"That's great news - because I have all 4 of your baby pair, so you can just use those - you won't have to buy any. Just write down 'free - heirloom overalls.'"
"But I have to say where I bought them."
"Then write down 'my mom'. (sound of me, pulling the paper from his hand).  Camera and film?  Are you kidding me?  Just pay your iphone bill - and take your pictures that way.  Nobody buys film anymore - that's crazy. And what's this crib bumper doing on this list? That's a suffocation hazzard - you tell your teacher that you won't buy one of those because you love your baby!"

(Insert Punk's WTF looks and tentative scratching of his pencil as he writes "my mom is bat$#!T crazy" as his source material).

I continue to scour his list.  It's all insane:
$120 for six baby outfits.
$65 for 20 jars of baby food.
$250 for a stroller.

I keep mostly quiet until this:

8 pair of baby socks $71.95.

WTH?!!

So I ask - I HAVE to ask.

"What the hell kind of socks did you buy for a kid whose feet are not going to hit the floor for another 10 months?"

So he shows me.

He's purchased  eight pair of "organically grown cotton socks"  at $8.99 a pair.

I go ballistic. "DUDE!!! You are insane!  I don't pay that much for a whole BAG of socks. These aren't even REAL socks, apparently they were grown on a bush or some damn thing. There's no such thing as organically grown socks!  GO TO TARGET!" I pull up the website - make him return his $70 worth of socks, and buy a bag for $5.99.

At this point he is laughing hysterically and says, "Wow - you're almost as bad as Rico."

Almost?

I guess that doesn't leave much room for crazy in Rico's domain.

I hope Punk can pass this class.

If not, he's taking the homeschooled version.
 

6 comments:

Treats said...

I hated that G*&%D#*@# baby. It cried all night for #1 (I finally made her put it in the garage - it had a faulty computer chip we later found out) and #2 was equally as awful. My hope is that the memory of that one night doesn't prevent me from ever having grandchildren.

Treats said...
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Treats said...
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rico said...

Great - thanks. I almost had him exempt because he's put in time taking care of a real one. But I figured he should have the shared experience of his peers. Maybe you could have spoken up sooner.

rico said...

Oh - this is me - not rico

Melanie said...

HI-larious!!!