more hospital

It's almost 2 am and the whole world feels like "dejavu all over again."

I thought we could weather the storm of family illness - Kooka's persistent cough and antibiotics. Then Neeks with her rattling chest for five weeks. Then Punk. Then me - who's now using both antibiotics and an inhaler.

But tonight I had to leave Rico in the hospital again. A fever of 105. Suspected pneumonia. Maybe a virus, maybe an infection, maybe the flu, maybe . . . "

Maybe.

Maybe.

We don't take maybes very well around here anymore. Especially when they involve me leaving him somewhere over night.

It was about a year ago exactly that I stood in that same hospital, watching them work to save him. One Christmas Eve ago, that my kids sat solemnly, barely smiling,  not laughing, knowing the only gift any of us wanted couldn't be wrapped.

And now here we are again.

Maybe it is my own fever.
Maybe it is whatever I'm vaping through this inhaler.
Maybe it is lack of sleep.
But leaving tonight was just as hard as it's ever been. 

Ever.