Sharknado

It's been a minute. We've seen Christmas, a new year, a new puppy, a new school, a new musical, a new country and heaven knows what else since I last wrote. 

 For some reason, I don't come here to share those things nearly as much as I used to. Maybe it's because I suspect that the people here aren't looking for those stories. They're either here to find out how to survive, or at least figure out how I did - and I'll tell you this much - it's by a thread friends, by a thread. 

 Dare I say the first year was easier? I mean, it was horrible, devastating, heart-breaking, but at least it was exepected. 

 Yes. Expected. 

I knew I would cry on every holiday, knew the kids would struggle, knew there would be a learning curve - and the world knew it too - they allowed it - they expected it. This year is Sharknado, but with lava, and murder hornets, and Chinese spy balloons - or maybe they are UFO's, I don't even know. This year is full of things I never thought I'd see, but also things I can't fully explain. 

 Thing I thought I'd never see #1 

 Tiny is at a new school. She is there in part because her old one would not allow the therapy that Mayo Clinic said she needed. It's more nuanced than that, but I will tell you this: I was given a heads up by several people at her elementary school, that certain people at the new school would be difficult. I never expected to have my kid's psychologist suggest inpatient care, only to be told by a guy who will remain nameless "I know you think she needs this therapy regardless, but she's totally fine here, she's fine." Imagine telling a diabetic kid that they don't need dyalsis or a kid with CP that they don't need physical therapy. Anywhooooo - we dropped out of said school, attended a week of a hospital program at Mayo, and enrolled in a new school upon her rerturn. She's doing so much better, and I'm so grateful for the team at Mayo - and our good friend C, who told us it was the best place to be. 

 Thing I can't explain #1 

PTSD is real and apparently I have it - micro ptsd. It's taken some therapy to put a name on what's happening, but that's what it is. I used to think it was just me having a very excellent memory of very terrible things, however, tuns out there is a reason that I can't remember a coffee date on Tuesday, but can recall every single nuance of every terror I've ever lived. My brain is too busy remembering how to keep myself or the people I love alive - it's trying to remember every detail of every moment so I can get us through safely - and there is not much room for lattes in the mix. For me, it results in nightmares, panic attacks, freeze response and general spaced-outness. Anything can trigger it - applesauce is Rico choking and me pulling meds from his mouth while a nurse watches; semi trucks are riding shotgun with someone who has lost all depth perception; this one blanket is just called "the blanket of death" by two of us in the house - because it's seen two mortuaries - which means I see all four whenever I fold it. (Two of us love it - so it stays). 

 Other things I thought I'd never see or can't explain - not all of them murder hornets: 

Three dogs in one house 

McDonald's raising the price of unsweet tea 

Clearing out Rico's office 

Closing his business 

Road trips with new friends 

Tiny auditioing for a speaking role in a play 

Our first Valntines Day without all of the kids together 

Our first New years without all of the kids together 

Old friendships ending 

New ones beginning 

Reporting someone to the police 

Small surgeries 

Scrappy having double cancer for five years and still outliving Rico 

Pit tickets to Taylor Swift 

Walking through Mayo and actually smiling 

My first real hysterical panic attack 

Having school conferences with my oldest kid about my youngest kid (Noah is Nika's new art teacher) Feeling happy on a holiday for the first time in about 17 months 

A box of cheerleader outfits in my room 

 I hope you guys are all doing great. We will be too. Don't let the murder hornets get you down.