36 hours

The surgical center called yesterday.
Apparently they just like to check in, make sure you are actually going to show up, and give you your final marching orders.

Here are mine - and the answers the receptionist gave me when I asked why - I needed to do all of these things.  (not kidding - real answers)

1) Show up at 5 am.
Why so early?
"Because your insurance company will kick you out as soon as they can, and this is the best way to make sure you and your baby actually get an extra day of care - which you might desperately need."

2) Bring a bag full of everything you will need for your surgery.
Really?  Everything?  Because I just don't have access to everything I might need for surgery.  I do however have a boxcutter, and the rest of that vicodin you guys tried to cram down my throat last week.  I can bring that.
"Yeah - I really just meant like chapstick, and a clean shirt."

3)Do not eat or drink anything after midnight on Tuesday.
Why is that again?
"Because you will probably vomit - a lot."

4) Do not have any gum or chewing tobacco that morning.
Crap - because it is going to be really tough for me to not have a chew that morning.  I can still wear my daisy dukes, and bring my moonshine to celebrate later right? 
"Because, there is always a chance that you might need a trach, or need to be intubated, and we don't want gum to clog the pipe."
Intubated?! I'm only going to be paralyzed from the ribs down! Why do we need to plan that far ahead?  Next thing you're going to tell me is that I may spontaneously combust on the table.

Which brings us to:

5) Do not wear any perfume or hairspray. Regular makeup is OK though.
What is this rule about?
"Well they do have cautering equipment in the surgical room, and a bone saw.  There is a possibility of sparks."
Waaaaaaiiiit one freaking minute . . . . If there is any - I mean annnnyyy possibility that I am going to be sawed in half, while simultaneously catching on fire, all the while surrounded by supposedly competent medical personnel,  then we need another plan.  
If there is even a remote chance that a trace amount of Ralph Lauren on my wrists, is putting Yoda and I in danger of going up in flames, then there must be another option.

Nope - this is pretty much it.

Wish us luck.


Melanie said…
Um...... BONESAW!?!? Just HOW are they planning to extract that baby????
j said…
Yeah - I was wondering the exact same thing, and when I did ask about it, she said something like, "well your surgery is pretty routine, I'm sure they won't use it, but just in case somebody turns it on . . ." and then I am thinking, "Why the hell would anybody be casually checking out the bone cutter during MY surgery?"
Melanie said…
It's like clicking a pen during a meeting....
Lady Bright said…
In case there was a double rare super extreme emergency c/s & sweet Yoda was 1/2 way down your birth canal they lost the basic ability to tug her back up maybe they could need to cut your pelvis is the only thing I could come up with for the bone cutter. Or you've formed a second rib cage over your abdomen. Pretty sure that bone cutter won't be on the menu for you, sorry.

They will be using the cautering equipment & that can spark, the odds of you catching fire from it are the same odds as them taking out your kidneys & juggling them. Aka - in theory it could happen but in reality it won't.

The trach is the only thing that is an actual possibility, if an emergency c/s is needed they won't do the numb you from the ribs down, they will just put your ass fully under. Or if they are not able to get good results with the spinal (the stuff they use in there doesn't work on a friend of mine) they would also need to put you fully under. Upside is as soon as you wake up from the general anesthesia you can dip & have gum while chugging that moonshine so don't forget to pack all 3.
j said…
Ummm - thanks, you are both SUPER comforting.