The surgical center called yesterday.
Apparently they just like to check in, make sure you are actually going to show up, and give you your final marching orders.
Here are mine - and the answers the receptionist gave me when I asked why - I needed to do all of these things. (not kidding - real answers)
1) Show up at 5 am.
Why so early?
"Because your insurance company will kick you out as soon as they can, and this is the best way to make sure you and your baby actually get an extra day of care - which you might desperately need."
2) Bring a bag full of everything you will need for your surgery.
Really? Everything? Because I just don't have access to everything I might need for surgery. I do however have a boxcutter, and the rest of that vicodin you guys tried to cram down my throat last week. I can bring that.
"Yeah - I really just meant like chapstick, and a clean shirt."
3)Do not eat or drink anything after midnight on Tuesday.
Why is that again?
"Because you will probably vomit - a lot."
4) Do not have any gum or chewing tobacco that morning.
Crap - because it is going to be really tough for me to not have a chew that morning. I can still wear my daisy dukes, and bring my moonshine to celebrate later right?
"Because, there is always a chance that you might need a trach, or need to be intubated, and we don't want gum to clog the pipe."
Intubated?! I'm only going to be paralyzed from the ribs down! Why do we need to plan that far ahead? Next thing you're going to tell me is that I may spontaneously combust on the table.
Which brings us to:
5) Do not wear any perfume or hairspray. Regular makeup is OK though.
What is this rule about?
"Well they do have cautering equipment in the surgical room, and a bone saw. There is a possibility of sparks."
Waaaaaaiiiit one freaking minute . . . . If there is any - I mean annnnyyy possibility that I am going to be sawed in half, while simultaneously catching on fire, all the while surrounded by supposedly competent medical personnel, then we need another plan.
If there is even a remote chance that a trace amount of Ralph Lauren on my wrists, is putting Yoda and I in danger of going up in flames, then there must be another option.
Nope - this is pretty much it.
Wish us luck.