the gift

We have asked a lot of our kids lately, but last night I asked them for the ultimate gift for Rico. I asked them to give him permission to die. 

Rico has been on a steady decline since Thursday. he was having difficulty swallowing, sleeping most of the day, spiking fevers and even struggling to pronounce words. The glio is stealing every last thing from him.

So yesterday when both big kids were in town, Kaia and I went to sit with Rico. One of his nurses stopped me, "He always asks for you," she said, "But this time he said 'Where is my wife? I need to ask her if it's ok to die, because if it is, I'm going to do it now.'"

If you've read my earlier posts, you know that I had already had this conversation with him myself. But still, he was uncertain. 

So after a pizza dinner where we discussed what we needed to do, the kids and I sit around Rico's bed. Nika on Kaia's lap, Noah perched on the nightstand, and me standing nearby, just holding Rico's hand. He's  alert, talkative and so glad to have them there.

I start the conversation. "So Rico, you know how you've been asking us if it's OK to die?"

"What!?!" His eyes fly open and look at each of us. He sounds surprised. Shit. This was not what I expected. The kids are looking at me like I'm the biggest idiot on the planet, but I suspect he's protecting them out of habit, and we've come this far, so I keep on.

"Yeah sweets. We've talked about it a lot."

"Yeah. Yeah we have. It's such a simple question. It sounds so easy," he says. His voice is clear, nothing is confusing. He knows.

"Well, the kids and I have been talking and we are all here together to tell you how much we love you, and what a good job you have done being a dad and a husband and taking care of us. And we are here to tell you that it's ok for you to let go. It's ok."

One by one the kids tell him how much they love him and that they will carry on with everything he's given them. They share their favorite memories - and the strengths they have because of him. He laughs at some of them - we all do. It was bitch to teach Noah to parallel park and even now nobody's forgetting that. One by one they tell him it's ok.

"Wow." He says."Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow." and then, "Can I swear?"

We all look at Neeks who smiles and shrugs.

"Sure," Noah says, "What do you want to say?"

He smiles at us and says, "You guys, this is the most fucking amazing gift! It's the best gift I could ask for. I really needed it. I din't even know I needed it. You hear about people having their family surround them and I didn't understand but now I do. It's so fucking amazing! Wow. Wow. Wow."

He asks each of us again, "Are you sure?"

One by one we respond - except for one of us. All she does is nod.

"Wait," he says, "what about the little one? She's so little. Even her? Even Nika?"

We look at her. No child should have to do this. But she's not just any child - she is his. She is small in stature but fierce of heart and she does the bravest thing I've ever witnessed. She lets him go. 

She holds his hand and says, "It's not what I want. It's not what I hoped, but it's ok dad. We'll be ok." She kisses his face and says, "I love you."

He calls us all in close for a hug.

"Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. No dad has ever had such and incredible gift," he says. "I have so much peace. Peace - that's the word for what I needed - peace. Wow."

He has not been able to find words for days, but now he knows exactly what he is talking about. 

Kaia is holding his hand, Noah is telling him how wonderful life has been with him. We talk about that time we were in Hawaii and the rest of us were sleeping. Rico decided he just had to go for a nature walk at 6 am - so he packed up a backpack and headed out into the jungle - alone. When he got back he told us how beautiful it was, how he wished we had been there.

We tell him it will be like that. He just gets to go first. He's the most adventurous of us anyway. He smiles and says, "Yeah. It will be a good adventure. And now, now I have a better feeling about God and how all of this works. I can't believe you guys gave me this gift! Holy shit! This is incredible!"

There is a lot more swearing and laughing through this part than I imagined - than any of us imagined. But it is us, authentically us. It is likely the last time we will ever sit as a family of five - somehow this feels right.

He's excited to see the other side, to know all of the answers to all of the little things he's always wondered. We ask what the first mystery of life he'll solve will be. "That's a good question, "he says, "There are so many."

He tells us that he is going to make the most beautiful place for us so it will be ready when we get there. Kaia asks him the same question she's been asking on every roadtrip since she was six years old, "Rico - can it have a pool?"

He laughs, "Yes Kaia, it can have a pool."

We talk and laugh and enjoy being a family for about 90 minutes. He says I love you at least 20 times. We say it back every single time. There's a lot of love hanging in the air.

"I can't believe you've given me this gift," he says. "Whose idea was this gift?"

The kids look at me. "I'd say it was mom's," Kaia says.

"It was all of ours," I tell him. "We all wanted to give this to you, I just helped us decide when to give it."

"Yeah," Noah says, "that's true. We all have your back Rico."

"You really do," he says, "you do have my back - you're carrying me all the way."

"Yep," Noah tells him, "all the way - we got you."

He's getting sleepy. One by one we kiss him goodnight. "I love you Noah. I love you Kaia. I love you Nika bear." 

Then when I lean in close, he opens his eyes, looks into mine with clarity - something I haven't seen for days and says "I love you honey. You give the best gifts."