why

This is why I can't stand to see it.

If she had ever said, "man I just want to milk every second out if life" that would be different. If she had ever said, "do whatever you can to help me live." That would be different. But no, this is how it always went:

I was eight years old. She looked at me and said, "Listen, if I ever get to be seventy, just take me out in the backyard and shoot me." The look of horror on my face, must have prompted her follow through comment, "no, I'm serious, when people get to be 70, there is just no use for them."

Sometime around her 68th birthday, she said to me, "Ok, I mean it this time, if I live to 80' just take me out to the backyard and shoot me. I'm serious, 80 is ridiculous." I gave her the same look.

On the day of her 80th birthday surprise party, she joked that, "now we could do it, because she'd had the best day of her life, adding, "but at 90 you just have to put me out of my misery."

The years went on, she held 8 of her 9 great grandkids, 7 on the day they were born. She celebrated Yoda's first birthday with a double party for the two of them. There were Easter Egg Hunts, vegetable gardens to plant, weddings to go to, to BE in. She lived alone until she was 96. 

She wanted to keep her dignity.

This is why it's so hard to watch.