busy

 It's busy work - preparing to die. 

This is not our first dance with hospice, but is our first dance - our last dance together, and it is an all-consuming event. 

There is paperwork - so much paperwork. Things we are supposed to read, but probably won't; things we needed to sign and did; notes all over the place; cards that we read and re-read to him.

There is so much medicine involved in this. Even after I began palliative medication yesterday, even after I stopped giving him things to help him live, and started giving him things that would make it easier to die, there are still 29 pills to swallow each day. This isn't even counting the morphine they say he'll need soon.

The phone rang 27 times between 7 am and 8:20 pm. Most of it was medical - all of it was important. There wasn't a single unnecessary call in the bunch.

The paraphernalia is extensive - and big. These are the pieces of equipment we required for hospice care: a wheel chair, a hospital bed, four walkers, a ramp, a commode, a raised bedside table, a specialized toilet seat, bed rails, and two bins for when he wants to brush his teeth in bed.

Each time I've been involved in hospice care it has either been as a support person, or part of an in-patient team, so I've never known the scope of how invasive it can feel - to him, to the kids, even the dogs are feeling it.

There are well-meaning strangers who follow some of us on social media who suggest all sorts of things which imply they've never actually done this before. Clearly we don't know these people, or they would know better than to suggest playing "How Great Though Art" or clearing the room with sage. We're more of a "mellow 70's rock" and "this might be a good time to smoke my first joint with my hippie husband" type. The prayers are good though. The prayers are always good.

Limited visits are good too. If you want to stop in and say hi, text us and let me know. He'd always love to talk for five minutes, but please don't be offended if we need to kick you out. His energy and brain power are so limited and he reserves most of it for cuddles with his kids. We are lucky to be so loved. Lucky that you ask us daily what we need - because some days we just can't get it all done. We know this phase will slow, that the busy-ness will give way to nothing more than quiet days and one-sided words with two-sided love. For now, busy is ok. Because we are all frantically loving him the best way we know how.